sometimes... i wish i was brave.

"sometimes
i wish i was brave.
i wish i was stronger.
i wish i could feel no pain.
i wish i was young.
i wish i was shy.
i wish i was honest.
i wish i was you not i.
'cause i feel so mad.
i feel so angry.
i feel so callous.
so lost, confused again."
box car racer, "i feel so"

i picked up a book from the library today called "portraits of 9/11/01."
flipping to a random page, this is what i read:

"Stephanie Irby would have fit right in on the Starship Enterprise. Her collection of Star Trek video-tapes just blew my mind," said Addison Irby, an older brother."

and i stop and think. this is a book about people who have died. a sad and tragic book... and this is someone's legacy.

if i were to die tomorrow, an honest review of this past month or so would be, "lisa was angry."

i can't go into details, because i think this would be a very inappropriate place for them, but i realize that i have let someone get the best of me. i have let situations take root and just overtake my feelings. i have let someone take something from me. i have let someone make me feel badly about myself. and i have let myself get angry.

one thing i have learned is that i am who i am.
i can't, and don't make apologies for being myself; even when sometimes i admitedly should.
i have my flaws, but in general i would like to think that i can admit that i don't mind the person i am.
i like myself.
this may be a shocking revelation to some of you. but it is possible to go through life being content. it is okay to go through life counting your blessings and being grateful.

a friend once told me, "you past doesn't determine who you become." tomorrow is a new day. and while there are things that need to be done that might not be so pleasant, i am thankful for new days. i am thankful that even when some things come to an end, it might really just be giving way to a brand new begining.